Two weeks after its release, Hogwarts Legacy has become one of the fastest-selling video games of all time, despite controversy surrounding Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling. The Onion takes a deep dive into everything you need to know about Hogwarts Legacy.
Q: What is the plot of the game?
A: A Hogwarts student tries to prevent a race of greedy hook-nosed goblins from vanquishing Christendom—er, sorry, the “wizarding world.”
Q: When is the game set?
A: In an alternate timeline not yet tainted by Rowling’s transphobia.
Q: What is it based on?
A: The magical desire for maximum returns on intellectual property investments.
Q: What is the gameplay like?
A: For all its controversy, Hogwarts Legacy boasts an undeniable ability to transport players to an immersive world of walking down a hallway or sometimes through a field.
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Q: Are there any ties to the Harry Potter franchise?
A: One of the teachers in the game is British.
Q: Can you choose your Hogwarts house?
A: Your house is assigned at birth based on your genitals.
Q: Will the game have a player-versus-player format?
A: Developers are still unsure if wimpy Harry Potter fans can stomach even a few minutes of direct conflict.
Q: Will there be any sequels?
A: Far more than anyone could ever predict or want.
Q: Is it transphobic to play Hogwarts Legacy?
A: No, only to enjoy it.